Who is Andy Ritchie?

“Don’t know what happened to your umbrella. Broke all by its self”!

Who?

I am a man of very few morals and those few I possess have the tendency to change frequently on account of my present situation and to justify to myself whatever my mind deems fit to carry out. It just makes life that bit more fun when that inner voice asks “Why not”?

I enjoy travel, hot weather, French accents and football when my teams winning. Mistakes made while using a foreign language, like the time I asked in Polish for a plate of pussy instead of chips or the girl who walked into the bar asking for cock instead of Coke. Funny place names such as Wankdorf –Switzerland- and Oberfucking –Austria- can make me smile for days.

I like the misfortune of others, like the guy who accidently mowed his foot with an old fashioned lawnmower then lost an eye to his own flying big toe or the American guy who at the age of sixty underwent a circumcision and awoke from the anaesthetic to find his whole penis had been removed. I also like ranting about things I don’t like.

I don’t like windy days, spiders, noisy eaters and people walking slowly.

I hate people who post shit like “100 likes if you wish cancer didn’t exist. If you had a heart you’d repost this”. Fuck off you nonce. Yea, well done. You’ve just cured cancer with that one! Grow up and get a fucking life eh. It’s all very noble of you to dislike cancer but to suggest that others are heartless for not reposting some words just makes you a fucking arsehole with nothing better to do  with your hopefully short time on Earth than sit on your fat lazy ass watching day time television and typing useless shite on Facebook. Lol. Don’t get me started on the lols and lamos of the world.

I hate hippies that feel that everyone should share their tree hugging views and I hate people who need to be told by others who and what they like in life.

I’m actually a very happy person and almost never serious about anything but, like everybody else, I have my little hang-ups and it’s impossible to be happy all the time.

I’ve never liked the idea of describing myself as a profession i.e. I am a doctor, I am a plumber, I am this or blah, blah that. I believe that is your profession but it’s not who you are. I would much prefer to fill you in on the stuff that’s happened in life to make me who I am today.

And why would you care? Well, I’ve tried to write about all things that would interest me if I was reading about someone else. Funny, embarrassing, crazy and stupid  moments I’m sure I’ll regret sharing but at the end of the day I’ve just enjoyed finally putting my memories to paper and hope that someone else can enjoy this story as much as I’ve enjoyed living it.