My eyes watered, letting a stray tear roll down my cheek, gathering at the corner of my mouth. I could taste the salt as I bit down on my bottom lip almost drawing blood. With toes curled to the sky, my body shuddered, shook and arched, mouth wide open letting out a low groan of euphoria as blood coursed through my veins like cold milk in wave after wave of adrenaline sending my whole body and soul into overdrive.
I’m five years old and the liquid shit that’s thundering out at warp speed is like nothing I have or ever will experience again. It’s beautiful. A daioritic camel would be proud of this one. I could supply The Chelsea flower garden for a year. The possibilities..
The result of a dodgy stomach brought on by some mysterious bug doing its rounds at my local school. Perhaps something I ate, maybe a bad booger or two, who knows? Whatever the case, I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna make it today. Not with my bad tummy and a fucking sister who won’t let me in the bathroom to use the toilet.
Without much choice I had to make a snap decision. This is as good a place as any.
I pulled my pants to the floor and let rip with all I’ve got. I cried out for God and savoured the moment. This really could be my last after Mum gets a hold of me. Five minutes later, feeling satisfied and quite proud I turn to face the music.
“Hi Mum!” She’s lost for words. Her face is a picture, not knowing whether to laugh or cry knowing she has to clean up my pyramid of doom. I can still see that expression and it still makes me laugh.
New carpet – ₤200
Price of shitting on the stairs – A good, swift beating
The look on my Mums face – Priceless!