Better safe..

Always useful..for making balloons, water bombs, slingshots..

It seemed by now that if it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. That pretty much sums up my history with the lady’s so on receiving a strange phone call from a mysterious woman asking me to meet her daughter I didn’t think twice before jumping on my bike and racing towards the bigger town of Ratho.

 I’ve been tracked down through a mutual friend who lived across the street from me and I’m given directions to their house and find they live next door to another girl I’m fond of.

She looked mental. Long dirty blond hair, smudged eye shadow, full sleeve punk tattoos complete with half smoked fag dangling from her lip. “Alright Andy, Ave heard aboot you. Ma daughters upstairs, first on the left. Introduce yer-sell”. What mother does this? Hearing that her daughter had a crush after watching me cycle by one day, she tracked me down and sent me to her bedroom as a surprise. Surprise indeed!

On entering the room I nervously perch on the end of the bed while she brushes her hair in silence facing towards a large dressing table mirror. Being somewhat of an ugly duckling at this stage I can certainly vouch that since then she’s blossomed into a fully hot swan. A fully hot, mental swan, but fit never the less.

The tension in the air stifles. Never before has an atmosphere felt so intimidating.Maybe shes shy. Maybe I’m the wrong guy? Maybe I’m in the wrong room? I draw from my pocket a packet of cigarettes to break the uneasy mood and make an offering of peace..and cancer.  Turning to face me, looking down at my hand she flashes a look that could kill before spinning around to continue grooming/ripping that red main of hair.  In my hand I realise my blunder, staring back at me I read the label “Durex, Ribbed Condoms”!

“Nice knowing you, goodbye”, I almost say before she suggests we go down stairs to sit with the family. Everybody’s there and what a massive family it is. About ten people cram in to watch me turn my attentions and chat up their mental mum. “Come fir yer tea tomorrow at six”. I’m ordered by a mother unaware I’d just offered her eldest a pack of condoms. “Sure”, I say with the intention of actually going back.

I return early and spend time with the girl next door before making my way towards the house of what could be my bodys final resting place. An almost infant younger sister struggles to open the front door and steps back allowing me to enter. Closing the door behind me I turn and come face to face with the giant hulk of a man known simply as Dad. “Who the fuck are you”?

“Eh, I eh, is…” I don’t know her name!

 “Is eh…Is she in”?

“Marry-Anne!” He roars up the stairs.

“I’M NO IN”! The voice booms back. The points well taken and I let myself out.



*A change of name in this one because I like my head being attached to my neck, not shoved up my bum.


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