Settling down with my new host family in Quebradas, three hours South of San Jose, I quickly set about making no favours for myself by handing my Costa Rican Mum a Valentines letter instead of a Birthday card reading along the lines of “Our hearts will be together forever”. I think it was more of a straight forward love card than a Valentines one but she was a bit of a MILF anyway so no big deal from me. Talking about our host families at the bar would earn us a few strange looks from American tourists when we come out with lines like “Well, I’d definetly do my Mum but I would’t touch yours”. As it would happen my little card fuck up wouldn’t hold a candle to events during one uncomfortable evening sat at the dinner table.
“Me caes muy bien, eres especial para mi”. It was in Spanish and translated, my text message read “I like you very much, you are very special for me”.
My pants transform into a massive (!) pitched tent and I’m left stranded at the dinner table sitting next to my host family. “Shit, I can’t move”. I tell myself as I try to think of something that won’t turn me on.
The Father of the family flutters around the connecting living room and remembering that he owns a gun I draw myself further into the table feeling ashamed yet unable to control the image in my head of the beautiful girl and sender of recent saucy messages that I met two days ago while giving out information flyer’s during an International Fare.
Staring at my plate I concentrate on the food gathered in front of me.
“Potatoes”. I say to myself. “Potatoes, sausages and beans”. It’s almost working. “My big, hard sausage tearing its way through her mashed potato, banging her firm white ass through the wall and into the street”. Fuck, I’ve just made it worse!
Looking up for a second I catch my kinda hot, but jail bait host family sister sucking grease from her fingers. “You’re not helping here”. I almost say aloud as my eyes dart back towards my plate hoping her gun wielding Father didn’t notice.
Five days with-out stretching one of is something I will never do again. It’s much needed medicine to combat a Jekyll and Hyde style transformation from laid back, nice guy to psychotic – fuck anything that moves- monster. Living with a new family will certainly throw you into situations you could have never have imagined although it could just be me.
One by one they finish their meal and re-treat back towards the living area to watch CSI in Spanish. I’m calming down now just in time as my tidy 24 year old (host) cousin enters wearing her hot pants. My phone springs to life with another text. “Fuck off bitch, you can wait until I’m back in my room”!
I would later receive messages along the lines of “Are you a good kisser”?
I’m in there is the obvious thought to enter my mind!
Her reply to my suggestion that we will find that out at the weekend would then read “No Andy. I was only joking! I just want to be friends!”
You know what?
I’m not looking for friends. I’ve got fucking friends and to quote The Big Yin “I just want to get hot and sweaty”!
We live and learn eh? I learned to let Jack answer future messages from her. She’s not an issue now.
JACK..WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU WRITE?