Looking forward

ometepeThere are a few moments in life I’ve skipped past while sharing my life. Either because it’s too similar to something previous that’s been mentioned like the time I wiped my ass on the bathroom towel and then hung it back up on the rack. Got in shit for that, pardon the pun. –I was four!-

College moments I just couldn’t squeeze in like the time I handed an essay mostly covering the topic of masturbation and a book report on Humpty Dumpty. I wasn’t there the day my teacher received this news from the exam board, but I heard he wanted to slap me for that. Still got the chance to do it again and I’m sure it’s probably out there doing the rounds as an example of what not to do if you want to pass Core 2 English.

Or simply because there is nothing really funny about having to wear a jumper on Christmas Day to hide the bruising left behind from a needles puncture wound.

And so, after thinking long and hard about whether it’s a good idea to bring out possibly the ugliest of all skeletons from my closet as I know what a touchy subject this can be.. I think, fuck it. This is my story, my life and if it wasn’t for this pretty harrowing series of events then I’d still be a virgin.

Write your complaints on a postcard and then stick it up your arse!

. . .

It was around my 18th birthday, year 2000 I believe and I succeeded in bringing one larger than life drunk chick back to my bed. Trouble is I was pretty wasted myself.

Five minutes in and I’m on my way down stairs to the toilet after throwing up on her tits and I can’t really say I’m completely surprised or bothered when I return to find she’s no longer there. However, one thing hangs heavy on my mind. That was my first sexual experience and I fucked it up. How to recover? Fret not, for I have a plan!

As my bus draws closer to my planned destination my stomach turns to nerves. “What if this doesn’t work? What if I’m not right down there”? I know just the thing for this kind of nonsense. The cause and solution to all life’s problems: Beer.

Not just beer but whisky as it would become. I fill up on Dutch courage before strutting into the massage parlour where young Casanova here plans to make up for lost time, but would you believe? I’m too drunk and I can’t get it up! Not only that embarrassment but I also left my glasses there and have to trot back and get them. I return home a disgrace to mankind and completely in turmoil. But I’m not done yet.

The waiting game.

This time I go almost a week without ‘relief’ which to an 18 year old is deserving of a fucking medal but a dead cert not to fail. A strong wind could empty my balls this time but just to make sure I decide on a change of venue for this time around.

Sitting sober as a monkey in this horrible little room wearing nothing but a small towel around my waist, I’m asked to choose between three scabby, junky hags. Just then and angel appears in the form of a foreign, chicken eating angel in the midst of her lunch and wandering into my line of sight at exactly the wrong moment.


Paying for one hour and only really needing three minutes –hey, I was 18- but I’m in the clear now as I now know that everything working and hearing words like “You strong like bull” really does give me some encouragement. She really said that!

I decide to return to this naughty little maid, just to make sure, only to be given the most noisy bed on Gods Earth putting us both off more than a little not to mention a kids voice on the other side of the door shouting “Dad”! Who the fuck brings their kids here?!

. . .

With the years clocking up towards that milestone of 30, I find myself looking back at the big picture. I never once ticked any of those boxes that some regard as the checklist of life..

Education (didn’t go to college to learn!)





Pension plan.

And that’s exactly why I’ve been really able to live life, at least in a way that works for me anyway. Who wants to be the richest man in the graveyard? Who wants a life time of tip-toeing around and bending over backwards to be just another baw hair on the baw bag? Fuck that. If I stumble across an idea for something, maybe a project or just an adventure, then I’ll save the money and do it. Sure I’ll listen to advice because not every idea is a good one but not once have I ever regretted where I’ve ended up. It’s been such a fucked up, crazy adventure and it’s not over by a long shot. In-fact, I’d say it’s only just begun.

On my last little adventure before turning 30, I spoke with a very interesting girl who really woke me up. I learned that my jokes and stories are sometimes not enough and it’s too easy to just hide behind them all never really showing the real you. For probably the first time in my life I actually managed to just let go and say what was on my mind. It wasn’t easy but I learned a lot right there and then. So I will be me from now on regardless of how hot someone is or how much I care for them. The laughs will still come and the madness continue but on a higher, much better level now that we’re done with the act and to be honest.. I never much cared for being the clown.

To whatever awaits around that next corner I’ll take it on with a new found stride.

Time to grow up?

Fuck no!laguna

Remember, I’m not always proud of what I’ve done. Just honest about it.


11 thoughts on “Looking forward

  1. Awesome Andy, that’s the way to go man – love reading your bit as I am so angry that people use blogs for all the kind of media spam posting all the world news and headlines endlessly.

    Impressed to read, and see – shall see more as I get free 🙂
    Keep living 🙂

  2. Thanks man! I really appreciate that. It’s comments like this that make me feel that I’m doing the right thing here (sharing all these embarrassing stories). I know what you mean about people using blogs to sell shit and just endless streams of pish.
    I have recently started finding good blogs though which is why I have also become a fan of your blog. Thanks again man! 🙂

  3. Haha, we never grow up and that is good so, take it from a 50 year old…. life is still fun and I don’t feel I have grown up but that is the beauty of life. Live it and enjoy!

  4. Great advice..My priority in life is to keep myself amused and if anyone else can get a giggle out of it then thats a huge added bonus. Nice to know there are other people on the same wave length! Thank you for the comment 🙂

  5. I love the honesty, with no fear of what people think (or that’s how it comes over). Very funny..Look forward to reading more when I’m not straining my eyes on this tiny mobile device.

  6. The crazy part is MY MUM READS THIS BLOG!!! She’s the only person I have to fear..but she’s cool about it. Hope you enjoy reading my posts and thanks for the nice comment. I love reading yours!

  7. Great advice, I wish I could use it, and learn from it. I put myself down before I even begin, but or me, any idea that come up I have to charge into it. Baby steps for me. Hoping I can be as free as you by 30 🙂

  8. Hey there,
    I wish I could take my own advice sometimes! Still making the same mistakes and not knowing where I’ll be in one month from now can be almost as scarry as knowing exactly where I’ll be.
    You just got to take a deep breath in life and say “fuck it” and see where life takes you. If it all goes wrong then you can always write a funny blog about it!

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