So onward and upward to some free time I can actually share. A bucket list box that doesn’t involve women but may involve a certain amount of harm once Mum learns that I’m doing something dangerous again. “So why would you throw yourself out of a perfectly good aeroplane”?
Because the door was open!
The door was held shut by fuckin VELCRO!! Never mind turtle heid..Whole turtle body poking out my arse all the way down! Thought they were joking when they said “Hope you don’t get sucked out the hole in the floor”. Massive hole in the floor big enough to fit a leg through hidden partially by my bum for most of the way, not to mention the fact I had to lean against a whole shiny array of important looking knobs n’ buttons in the cockpit. “Well, we’ve got parachutes, you don’t”! Fuck you man!
As the parachute burst into life I for one second thought I’d come loose from the harness holding me to the instructor “FFFUUUUUCCCKKK”! Then a reassuringly tight yet sickly wedgie the rest of the way down. I can say I’ve done it now and I don’t need to do that again!
Skydiving was what I believe to be a massively cool thing to do, but not half as cool as my nephews take on what I’m doing here. “My uncle jumps out of planes to rescue baby donkeys”! If only there was such a job. Maybe there is? Google..
. . .
Being far too cheap to ‘splash’ out for scuba, I decide a little snorkel time might be just the thing when on an Island known for having the best beaches in the world and so off I plod with my snorkel and mask at the ready. I’m looking for fatties to swim near so the sharks will eat them first. I’m told sharks don’t come this close to shore but I just can’t help but think of Jaws.
I still remember as a kid after watching that horrible movie, when finished my business (a big jobbie) in the bathroom, I’d stretch out a trembling arm, flush and RUN as fast as I could up the stairs and throw myself into bed making sure every bit of my body was safely hidden from the great white shark now circling the carpet floor –as they do-..and now I’m alone in the Caribbean sea!
Dazzled by the color and multitude of tropical fish and coral beneath me I drift on through this spectacular new underwater world. Fazed not by the stupid little jellyfish that show us how it feels to have your bodily hair pulled from its roots. Nor by the not-so distant whirring of a speedboat engine propelling it’s way by, but a look up to check my baring’s and I’M FUCKING MILES AWAY! Oh if a shark came now?!
Splash, splash, frantic splash, I can fucking smell a shark coming and it can sure as Hell smell me! Splash, splash, splash. No fatties, no-one at all and now crawling up the sand until I’m shading under the stomach of a big, red fatty.
“Fancy a wee swim”?