How Not To Travel..

Waterproofing your camera.. Remember you have it in a condom for when pulling it out to tell someone the time!
Waterproofing your camera.. Remember you have it in a condom for when pulling it out to tell someone the time!

Holly shit it´s like I´ve never travelled before!

In Edinburgh airport with two hours left before my flight and I´m sitting alone in the departure lounge. Always makes me wonder if I´m in the right place when there´s no one else, but still two hours so kick back, relax..

“Here, you going to Recife”?From an official looking member of staff.

Emm, yeah but my flights not for another two hours.. I think? *Quickly checks watch.

“Aye Andrew, ye left yer see-through folder with yer passport, flight details and boarding tickets in the bathroom”!


Not even begun my adventure yet and I´m fucking up. His final words to me should have ended with a clip round the lug (ear) then maybe I would have learned my lesson.

Landing in Gatwick (England) with time to kill, I park my arse down in a restaurant and demolish a fry-up before gathering my shit and making my way towards the departure lounge.. Something’s not right.. Fuck!

Running back I find my fleece jacket thankfully still there complete with wallet, bank cards and money still inside. What’s wrong with me? I need to get a grip!

Finally off the island and upon seeing the hostels, hotels and bed n´breakfasts so close to the airport while landing in Lisbon, I make my decision to fuck the idea of sitting for twenty one hours inside the airport for my connecting flight. Instead I will get myself a nice wee pad to lay up in. Something cheap and close and so I venture towards the girl behind the tourist information booth.

I pass my bank card to her while she books a cheap bed n´breakfast for me. She loads it into the machine and hesitates for a while and so for some reason I assume she ´s waiting to hear my pin number.. I tell her my pin number! “DON´T TELL ME YOUR PIN NUMBER”! Ohh, I know. Why did I just do that? I´m doing everything wrong so far, surely I´ve run out of stupid things to do?

Brazil, Brazil I´ve fucking made it! I’ve made it in one piece and somehow not managed to lose anything or EVERYTHING!
Grabbing a taxi in the middle of the night from Recife airport and finally making it to my hostel where I´m booked into for the night, I throw myself down and start to rela.. I´m so fucking hungry! I go out.

I´m walking down the street with a Brazilian room mate who speaks no English and combined with my knowledge of Portuguese (absolutely nothing) we sit down to eat in silence. Conversation extends to names of famous Brazilian footballers and my finding out that as far as Brasilians are concerned Portuguese has no resemblance whatsoever to Spanish.. I think/hope that’s balls!

I check the time.. Try to check the time.
Where´s my phone? Oh fuck Andy, not the phone! Where did I have it last?
We finish our meals and make our way home -or to the hostel- where I hope beyond hope that St Christopher (Saint of travel) hasn´t given up on me and find to my great relief my phone sitting in the middle of my bed in a room of five bunks. I am one seriously lucky idiot!

Now I can finally kick back, relax.. I´m in Brazil!
I´ve made it!

I think of the backpack I´m travelling with for the next year and wonder how the Hell I managed to get all my belongings down to only ten kilos. What have I forgotten to pack?

My clothes?!


7 thoughts on “How Not To Travel..

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