Andy almost gets mugged -and deserves it-


Approached by two of the ugliest scumfuck prostitutes you wouldn´t fuck with a brick.. Key word: You.

I´d actually been doing alright twenty minutes earlier in a hostel chatting up some hottie from Sao Paulo when my German buddy came crashing through the door. Seeing my exchange with this Latin stunner he parked himself down across from us on the edge of a bunk bed and just patiently watched for his moment to cut in and deliver what surely looks to be the most urgent message anyone has ever had to pass on. I´m trying desperately to forget he´s there and continue my conversation.. “Andy, can I talk to you outside”?

And there goes that.

I´m told excitedly about the fact he´s discovered we´re real close to the cities red-light district as he leads me to the computer with map directions laid out. I´m not convinced. “We don’t have a car, this is not going to work. I´ve done this shit before in Edinburgh -when I was young and stupid- and it´s dodgy as fuck, uncomfortable and at least in my own country I know what kind of shit I can get into if I´m caught.” I say while we make our way towards the lady´s of the night. We´ve obviously came to the right place as we start to see scantly clad women on each side of the road, but who´s got the balls to just walk up and ask “Are you a prostitute”? Neither of us and so we continue walking hoping (kind off) that one of them will approach us.. Eventually two of them do and by fuck do I wish I´d stayed home! I quickly grab attention of the less macho creature, fuuck..why am I doing this?

She leads me across the road and into a car park, but there´s someone there and so we slip over a high wall and into an area of land strewn with bricks, rubble, broken glass and all manners of shite surrounded by high-rise apartment blocks beyond this enclosed, walled in dump. Led to one end but still in clear view of at least one hundred windows she begins to take down my shorts. Her friend interrupts -thank fuck- and from what I can make of their exchange she´s telling her that my friend didn´t pay. She pulls up my shorts and says “Pagar”, pagar means pay. Pay for what? She´s done fuck all, but I´m not that bothered as this pair have STD written all over them, I button my shorts and pull out the money.. Then things go tits up..

The second my hand leaves my pocket with notes they attack. The look on their face was feral and I´m taken completely by surprise as they both grab at my collar. “Policia, Policia” they shout. Fuck, what’s going on? Are they undercover police -not likely-, are they warning that police are coming? I don´t know, but I´m not in a good position right now. “What are you doing? Fuck off!” I say while making a half assed attempt at breaking free while thinking of my options.

What if it´s a set up? This is obvious, but I´m trying to think of what kind of set up. Does it involve police or do they have friends around the corner? I could beat them both pretty easily and run off but if it is police then I could be extremely fucked. I slip my t-shirt off as that’s what they both have their hands on and break free for just a moment as one of them quickly grabs the back of my shorts. Now this is just getting ridiculous as I hear her feet dragging through the gravel as I stride away shouting “HELP, HEEELP”!

She´s given up and I begin to jog towards the wall. I could hear responses to my pleas of help, but who´s responding? Is it her pimp and friends, if it´s the police what do I tell them? Kinda my own fault I´m in this pickle. Why are they not chasing me anymore, should I go back and beat them up for having such cheek? I climb over and make my way towards the main street half naked at 10pm. Jog I tell myself, just pretend you’re out for a late night jog in your sandals.

I pass the prossies that seen me moments before fully clothed and then I remember my friend.. Fuck! I jog back. We´d arranged to meet at the same place we´d met those hoes and so that’s the place I have to go. Not really the ideal place to go at this moment of time as they´re far more likely to have their backup this time and still I´m thinking that this could be a police sting. I run past and again and again with no sign of my friend. Maybe he´s been fucked over?

I run home, have a shower and prepare to go out again and find him, those two cunts and maybe get my t-shirt back when he walks in. “Where the fuck have you been”?

What happened was that after I´d went with Butt ugly, He´d had a change of mind and just told the girl he wasn´t interested -wish I´d done that-. He walked a little further down the street and found two much more attractive girls who took him to a little tree at the side of the main road and proceeded to give him head. They´d asked to see the money half way through and the second he showed them money they grabbed it, shouted Policia and ran away!

Sat a few days later at the dinner table of the family I´ve been working for. “So, you weren´t raped or mugged then”? You wouldn´t believe if I told you!


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