Andy gets whooped by a tarantula

Before it all goes wrong
Before it all goes wrong!

I´d just had my shower, wrapped a towel around my waist and made my way towards my bedroom to dry more thoroughly and with more space to do so. Halfway there I stop upon remembering my glasses. Guess I´ll be needing them and so I return to retrieve them and.. “What the fuck”?

On the floor of the shower where I´d been just moments before I find the biggest tarantula the world has ever seen –later when showing my video to the family I´m told “Oh, that’s one of the small ones. There´s a much more common species that’s about three times as big!”-. I´ve never come face to face with such a creature and so obviously I have to do something stupid.

After scooping her onto a massive fly swatter I start to show what balls I have (not literally) by holding it closer and closer to various parts of my body – shoulder, head, hands, legs.. I pass my camera on to a Brazilian guy who´s staying in the next room and ask him to make a video.

Again I´m brave with this colossal behemoth of a specimen and try to coax it onto the towel I´m still wrapped in. So cool I must look right now, how many people do I know that´d have the guts to do this? Not a lot I´m guessing. Wait until Mum sees this!

The tarantulas not really doing much and I feel it´s starting to become quite a boring video when BOOM, IT EXPLODES INTO A THOUSAND PIECES!
Just joking. What it actually does is suddenly explode into life and run fast as fuck up my towel. I can´t get it off as I´ve tied it far too tight and just as its getting to my stomach I finally manage to whisk the towel off revealing my shining white butt to a friend still filming.

Brave? Not feeling it so much right now!

Nighty night!
Nighty night!

. . .

One night I put my book down upon hearing the call of “SUPPER”, and exit my sleeping bag. Turning around to grab my torch as it´s a dark walk between my wee place and their house I´m confronted with one of those ´three times as big´ MacDaddy´s I´d been told off. I can´t leave the room now!

It sits above my bed staring down for who knows how long. I´m not into killing tarantulas. I think they’re just too cool and what would a can of beastie spray do anyway? Just make it angry I guess, I´d need to run him down with a car he´s so fucking big! And a mosquito net, not much use when he could just tip my bed over and roll me out the door!

This can´t do, I have to somehow remove him. Encourage him out the door because if I go to supper right now then who knows where he could be when I return?

I´d succeeded it chasing him out and so on my return I started to search for him to check he´s not under my bed, inside my pillowcase, any new eight legged tables around? Nope, not here but what I do find is a scorpion under my bed. Fucking slept well that night!

Cool.. but not when found above my bed!
Cool.. but not when found above my bed!
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King Terrance and other beasties

Down on the farm I become quickly acquainted the all things beastie in Brazil. Tarantula’s big enough to make love to -hold that thought-, cebola beasties as big as a large bee which just fly against the wall and bounce across the floor, scorpions, fire ants and my personal favorite, mosquitos!

With mosquitos during the night it is ALWAYS the same old story. Even from inside a seemingly impregnable mosquito net once settled down for the night it does not take long before, ´Wiiiiizzzz´, combined with the tickle of one at your ear. My patience at two thirty in the morning has finally snapped and I slide out of bed while peeling back the fucking shit net and tip toe in the dark in an effort to avoid scorpions yet still crunching my way through a carpet of those beetle like bee things that are all around.

Let there be light.

Now let there be carnage to some bad assed beasties that just won´t fuck off.

No mosquitos, not one! I search every inch and nothing. It´s vanished, I think it really has vanished into thin air! It was right here only a moment ago and pissing me off relentlessly and now it´s nowhere to be found.

Light off, crunch, crunch, crunch through my carpet of beasties, into bed and under the mosquito net.. ´Wiiiizzzz´!

A bullfrog named Terrance would become a dear and useful friend during my stay here. At twenty one centimeters this behemoth of a toad could destroy ten big beasties in a row –we would feed them to him-, then he´d take a massive shit. I almost had him toilet trained. Yes he´d take a shit in the bathroom but always on the floor in the shower area and what a massive shit it would be, but he did make a huge difference in the numbers of beasties crawling and bouncing around our floor.

Every night Terrance would stroll as he was far too big to hop up the steps and on to the porch and just gobble every living thing in the vicinity. I´d sometimes put him on my shoulder and he´d just sit there breathing heavily into my ear. Terrance was a great toad. He was also poisonous!

The father and daughter of the Canadian family took myself and a German friend to the Recife Carnival for a few days and what an event that was. I remember getting steadily pissed throughout one day and eating an oyster that´d been scooped out of the sewage filled river nearby. Warned by others that this sort of thing has killed people before and I will at least get really fucking ill.. I ate it anyway.

My bed is soaking wet. A leak in the roof right above me and so I sleep on the floor and informed the Dad next day. Next morning while standing in the middle of the room pulling pubes from my cock, I look up on hearing something and see a face fixing the massive hole in the roof. Fuck.. He MUST have seen me. I don´t want to ask, how do you ask something like that? But let’s hope he´s not too traumatized and let us forget this embarrassing little episode. Bathrooms there for a reason Andy!

So Carnival was a huge event and a lot of fun but without too many incidents to speak off. I guess I was well behaved but when I returned to Bonito Terrance was not a happy toad.

I´d not left the bathroom light on for him and so his perfect stomping ground was no more. I´d upset him and he didn´t come to see me for about a week then one morning at about five am I went for a pee and..“TERRANCE”!

So maybe he´d been coming all along but was just avoiding me. Making me worry, stupid little froggy fuck. Missed you bud, but now he´s back and beasties are reducing once more. So Poopy the parrot might be one awesome, adorable, funny little pet, but he´s just not Terrance is he?

Whilst on the topic of beasties, let me tell of what I have no doubt will be the best video containing a mental beastie and myself…. To be continued..