Leaving Brazil

Rio

I make my way towards Rio where I´ll meet a friend who´s arriving in Brazil quite soon and from there after a week or so I have plans to live on the delta islands near Buenos Aires. A journey not to be sniffed at.

My ass settles down for the next forty eight hours on a bollock cold coach from Recife to Rio De Janero ,1869km/1162 miles and it doesn´t take much scoping around to take in the fact that this could be one very interesting bus trip.

I have less than half a seat thanks to the beluga next to me, but given the fact I´m the only idiot on the bus to not think of bringing a duvet or even a jumper and trousers for that matter, then this might not be such a bad thing.
Dear Brazil,
What’s with the air con on your busses? Cold enough to freeze a penguins nuts off!

So, perched next to fatty and presented with an odor much to my disliking coming from across the aisle wafting from the bum of a baby and young couple. That’s what I need, a smelly baby all the way to Rio. A smelly crying baby but no, all the noise for the next 2 days would emanate from the seats directly behind me. What the fuck is going on back there?!

“WAAAAGGNNNNNIIIAA.”
“NAABRRRROOOOOOO.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!”
#Insert loud rasping noises..
“ENNNGGGGAAAAHHHH”.
#Rasp.

?

I´m spooning tonight. Kind off forced to but I´m not complaining as the leg that’s trapped between her bum cheeks is feeling quite toasty, but I really hope to Hell she doesn´t fart. The rest of my body is blue.

During the night we stop for a rest and some nibbles. I scan the menu and only recognize the word for cheese. “Dos queijo fatia por favor”, she smiles, writes a receipt, takes my money and sends me towards the opposite counter where my order will be prepared. Something about that smile, a knowing smile. A ´Hey Gringo, you´ve fucked up”, kinda smile.

I inspect my two slabs of cheese. “What the fuck´s this”?
What do I want two large slabs of cheese for, did I ask for.. Shit, I just asked for two big slabs of cheese didn´t I?

Everyone´s loving this moment, everyone except for me. I just want to eat, be warm and sleep. Maybe I can laugh about this later but right now I´m finding it hard to look happy. I explain with wild hand gestures and finger pointing. Relieved of my cheese I take my hamburger and proceed to a table where I can eat in peace.

“#Rasp.. NAAAARRRGGG, WOOOOOOP”!

Called over to the table of noise and human beat box from Hell. They hold up a liter of beer and extra glass and so I join them.

A little guilty now that I know one of them is deaf and therefore can´t hear just how loud he is and I begin to drink with them for the next 40 odd hours.

It would go like this; I buy a beer for the three of us -big beers I might add-. They, between them buy a beer for the three of us. I buy one, they buy one between them but for the three of us. I´m getting fucked here, in a group of three it shouldn´t be my round every second time. They give me some food, shitest food in Brazil. Hold on. I can see what’s happening, It´s the old ´We got you some food back there so now that we´re in a place with good food, we´ll cash in on the whole Your turn.’ I stop leaving the bus and stay on board as I don´t want to taken for a fool and I´m running out of money anyway. They bring me more food.

As we enter Rio and I disembark I begin to realize that I am indeed a cunt. These two seemingly thuggish football hooligans (complete with Flamengo football tatts) have been feeding and drinking with me all the way and not asked for a thing in return while I sat full of assumptions and accusations. They invite me to drink with them at their friend’s house for a few days. Fuck that, dodgy fuckin scum!

. . .

iguazu
Rio might be one of the visually spectacular cities in the world and it´s great to be exploring it with a good friend that I´ve not seen for a while, we laugh harder than I have for some time and live like Kings briefly, but we can´t stay too long. It´s expensive here and we must be getting on. We make our way towards Iguaçu Falls for a few days before I continue with my South American adventure while Jack returns to Rio where awaits a job in a hostel.

Iguaçu Falls is something to behold. Can photos do this place justice? Done Jacks camera no justice as the spray of water coming from one of the eight wonders of the world proved too much. Jack loves his shit being wet and so let the bottle of water in his bag leak and fuck up his passport, return ticket and mobile phone too.. No luck Jack, no luck at all!

Again I laughed like I haven’t done for a while.

Waterproofing your camera.. Remember you have it in a condom for when pulling it out to tell someone the time!
Waterproofing your camera.. Remember you have it in a condom for when pulling it out to tell someone the time!

Taking the piss

I have bared witness to some stupid things in the past;
“How do you tell the male donkeys from the female”?
“Which one´s the moon”? While star gazing.
“Do you speak English in the UK”?

I´m not immune to a few clangers myself like when I told someone the word rough was spelt R U F F, asking the sexy nurse while stitching my arm if she comes here often and while on the topic of a small islands problem with inbreeding I asked “Is that illegal here”? So yes, I can be stupid too but fucking nothing compares to the pure stupidity of some I´ve encountered here? *Matter of opinion maybe.

In a bar pointing at a beer and asking “Cerveca por favor”. Confusion looms across the face of the fat bitch serving then actually spreads to the rest of the clientele gathered in this dump. I repeat and continue to point at one of only three types of beer they sell. I know I´m not pronouncing this right. I´m using Spanish in a Portuguese speaking country, but I know I´m not so far off the mark and my gesturing is making it pretty fucking obvious as to what it is I´m looking for. Come on, in a bar pointing at a beer. Do you think I´m asking to see you´re finest Persian rug?

Fuck it, I get out the ole phrase book and point at the Portuguese word for beer.. pronounced cervesha.”Ahh, CERVEJA. Nao cerveca!” Said with an air of authority after it took her a minute and a half to read and understand her own fucking language.
You are kidding me. Really, none of you -five by this time- had any idea what I was trying to ask for?

Are you physically capable of stretching out a hand and giving me that beer or will your head just explode? A good job you don´t have a menu or I´d be here all fucking day -or just go to bar not run by idiots.

My time in Brasil is coming to a close and what a time it´s been. Did spend my first two weeks using the wrong word for toilet though. Thought the place was a bit mental when I´d first arrived on the scene and asked where the toilet was in a bar I´d been drinking in only to be told “Not here, maybe in a hostel”.

Started to get a little upset with people eventually after finding out there were no bars in town that had toilets. No toilets? Where am I supposed to piss, on the wall outside? One day I mimed the act of peeing and found that what I´d been asking for was a shower. Ah, that explains the funny looks I´d received while in search of the bogs!

Bar of the year..
Bar of the year..

My first ebook Without Wax. Check it out!

http://www.amazon.com/Without-Wax-balls-Andy-Ritchie-ebook/dp/B00X4ZJ6WG/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1435342386&sr=1-1&keywords=Without+wax+andy+ritchie#reader_B00X4ZJ6WG