Taking the piss

I have bared witness to some stupid things in the past;
“How do you tell the male donkeys from the female”?
“Which one´s the moon”? While star gazing.
“Do you speak English in the UK”?

I´m not immune to a few clangers myself like when I told someone the word rough was spelt R U F F, asking the sexy nurse while stitching my arm if she comes here often and while on the topic of a small islands problem with inbreeding I asked “Is that illegal here”? So yes, I can be stupid too but fucking nothing compares to the pure stupidity of some I´ve encountered here? *Matter of opinion maybe.

In a bar pointing at a beer and asking “Cerveca por favor”. Confusion looms across the face of the fat bitch serving then actually spreads to the rest of the clientele gathered in this dump. I repeat and continue to point at one of only three types of beer they sell. I know I´m not pronouncing this right. I´m using Spanish in a Portuguese speaking country, but I know I´m not so far off the mark and my gesturing is making it pretty fucking obvious as to what it is I´m looking for. Come on, in a bar pointing at a beer. Do you think I´m asking to see you´re finest Persian rug?

Fuck it, I get out the ole phrase book and point at the Portuguese word for beer.. pronounced cervesha.”Ahh, CERVEJA. Nao cerveca!” Said with an air of authority after it took her a minute and a half to read and understand her own fucking language.
You are kidding me. Really, none of you -five by this time- had any idea what I was trying to ask for?

Are you physically capable of stretching out a hand and giving me that beer or will your head just explode? A good job you don´t have a menu or I´d be here all fucking day -or just go to bar not run by idiots.

My time in Brasil is coming to a close and what a time it´s been. Did spend my first two weeks using the wrong word for toilet though. Thought the place was a bit mental when I´d first arrived on the scene and asked where the toilet was in a bar I´d been drinking in only to be told “Not here, maybe in a hostel”.

Started to get a little upset with people eventually after finding out there were no bars in town that had toilets. No toilets? Where am I supposed to piss, on the wall outside? One day I mimed the act of peeing and found that what I´d been asking for was a shower. Ah, that explains the funny looks I´d received while in search of the bogs!

Bar of the year..
Bar of the year..

My first ebook Without Wax. Check it out!

http://www.amazon.com/Without-Wax-balls-Andy-Ritchie-ebook/dp/B00X4ZJ6WG/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1435342386&sr=1-1&keywords=Without+wax+andy+ritchie#reader_B00X4ZJ6WG

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4 thoughts on “Taking the piss

  1. I had someone born in India, living in London, ask me if Ireland had cars. Or supermarkets. I was boggled.

    Sounds like your Portugese friends were trying to be the stereotype of the French 🙂

    1. Hahaha! Like the whole “Do you have television in Scotland”? The thought crossed my mind, but a German guy who’s lived there 10 years and has a Brazilian wife told me that people in that town still don’t understand him when he talks fluent Portugeese!

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