Woken from a half comatose slumber by the hand of a middle-aged woman punching down on my face as she trips over on her way up the aisle in an effort to reach the bathroom. “EEEUUUHHH”?!
Thanks’, so glad one of us found that funny.
Arriving in Buenas Aires and I have never seen anything like it. The place is overflowing with Hells Angels and not just a host of Angels – or chapter- but a fucking full on invasion with not one motorbike in sight!
I´m in an area near Plaza De Mayo called San Nicolas and passed by small squadrons of them at every corner, cafe, restaurant, jumping out taxi´s fully loaded with suitcases and even out strolling through the parks. I´m later informed that it´s some kind of annual gathering -of course, it´s Easter weekend and we know how much those naughty bikers love the Easter Bunny- and every one of them look like Auld Nick might have shat them out himself, but if you think I´m taking pictures guess again. My knee-caps feel pretty good right where they are!
Dropping my bags of at a cheap hostel recommended by a google search just fifteen minutes ago, I step outside for a wee gander at what this world renound city has to offer.
With souvenirs purchased (no hanging around) and check list complete for my up and coming Delta adventure -What the fuck is a Delta?-, I`m approached by one cute young student handing out flyers and asking if I´d be interested in visiting this interesting bar where I can have a relaxing beer and massage.
Hmm, after a twenty four hour bus journey..
Tell me more.
I´m led to the club which lies at the bottom of a flight of stairs in some shitty little back alley, but tastefully decorated inside although really small. There is just enough room for a bar and two comfy couches sitting across from each other at the far end of the room -less than a meter from the bar.
Within this room there be company. Company in the form of the old owner, not that old really, old cleaner -really has seen better days, although maybe not-, butch girl as the hired heavy or hired hairy, girl I came in with -quite hot, educated, early twenties and another similar looking girl but with a bit of a squint face like she`s been hit with a shovel or had a stroke. Both perfectly do-able and hospitable. VERY hospitable!
I didn´t really know what this place was going to be like, a beer AND a massage (Captain Naive), but it soon becomes clear when both girls sit either side of me and start to ask me bullshit questions while stroking fingers through my hair, crossing legs within my own and groping at my l arms. They have my pants around my ankles in moments and I´m now getting wanked off on front of the whole staff.
I get it now.
Hold the bus. Before we go any further, how much is this costing me?
“Don’t worry about that, this feels good yes”?
No, well yes but I´m not Mr fucking Money and I don`t wanna get stung and have to beat your hired fatty once I`m done here. So again, how much do I owe in total right now?
“310 pesos per girl for the show -I find that I`ve just had the show- if you want more it´ll be 800”.
800 pesos in total, for EVERYTHING?
Ok, fuck the show. I´m going to the bank and when I come back we´ll get this on.
Accompanied to the cash machine by Shamu, I´m told while taking out the cash that I need to take out more. Do I fuck! I´ve already paid 700 – price changed from 620 for both girls to 700 when I handed over 7 one hundred peso notes-.
“You paid for the show. If you want more it´s and extra 800 for each girl”.
Eh, no. I`m horney as fuck, but not stupid as fuck. I´ll let them know I´ve had fun, it´s all been a very pleasant experience for me and one hell of an introduction to Buenos Aires but it all stops here. I´m European but NOT rich.
I enter the bar once more fully expecting a hoard of abuse. Sexual abuse if they wish, but I aint paying for it. After explaining to the girls I then have to repeat my predicament to the boss.
“How much have you got now”?
“You still have to pay for the girls drinks.”
How much is that?
Haha, course it is! I pay up and leave on good terms getting friendly hugs from everyone as I leave including the cleaner who had while watching me getting jerked off, suggested jokingly that I could have her for free. For a second I consider this.
I stop halfway down the street to check my shopping bags for my mobile. It´s not there. FUCK!
Chest puffed out and ready to fight, I march back in and explain that my phones no longer in the bag I´d left here while out at the cash machine. Maybe it fell out the bag while I was here, but I´m not leaving until it`s found.
We look around a clearly empty phoneless, small floor.
“Check your bag again.”
I don´t have to.
“Just take everything out and make sure”.
I do and woops!
Blimp, The Hired Hairy: “See, they might be sluts but they`re not thieves!”
Ohhh, that didn´t go down well with the others. I escape back out into the street before the possible bloodbath begins and this is still just my first day in Buenos Aires!
Into the bathroom I go, back at the hostel and still unsure as to how I should feel about this recent incident. Relieved to have my phone, stupid at spending so much in such a short time on my first day (not that much really 13.46 Pesos – 1 British Pound), amused at the whole thing and frustrated that I just walked away from sex with two stunners.