Somewhere I belong

Owl monkey

Strong language and laddish humor.

Two days it took for me to turn my two week stint volunteering at an animal refuge into a colossal year long stay and true to Andy form, my decision was massively influenced by my cock.

Settling down in places for long lengths of time is how I travel and this place does seem to have everything that I generally look for;

Incredible scenery set in the jungle
A work load that´ll keep me busy..
And LOTS of women!

Set at the foot of the world renowned Death Road two and a half hours from La Paz in the jungle.. Fuck this, you´re not reading a travel guide!
Sleeping in a room above the bar with four awesome girls and arriving at a time when they happen to need a new monkey worker. I couldn´t have timed my arrival better if I´d tried!

My first weekend and I´m all set for a big date with one of the reasons I´m intending to stay so long. Does she know she’s on a date? Does the Pope shit in the woods?

After stopping briefly at her house and meeting her Dad we go for a meal at a nice Dutch restaurant and then meet with everyone in the main square. My unknowing date kinda slips away and I just get drunk. Apologies to those who endured my drunken ´woe is me´shite towards the end of that night!

The following weekend I would try again. This night would almost kill me and also be the last time I go to a nightclub in Coroico. My dancing shoes rotting in the bin. Fuckin hate dancing anyway.

I didn´t feel so good to begin with, none of us did. Our stomachs were completely wrecked but still I felt I HAD to go. I´d had suspicions that maybe she was with one of the other guys and if I just stayed home then who knows what would be going on. I had to find out, had to know if I was wasting my time chasing her. She arrived late with her man and it soon became crystal that I wasn´t just imagining things. I manned up, took it on the chin and went in a wee huff.

Hardly drank a thing, couldn’t as my stomach wasn’t up to it anyway. Girls were trying to get me on the dance floor, but I just wouldn´t budge and so the second some of the other sick volunteers asked if I was ready to get a taxi with them I took my chance to fuck off.

The other girls we´re living on the other side of the river and so I had to go it alone towards my bedroom.. If only I would get so far.
I´d not thought to bring a torch, didn´t think I´d be back so early and completely alone and so finding the correct combination to the lock proved to be a challenge. I gave up pretty quick.

Can´t see a damned thing but how hard can it be to scale the bridge? A large, unclimbable door stands before me blocking the entrance to the bridge but i could climb around. Again I ask, as if to seal my fate “How hard can it be”?

I climb on to the fence, hands holding and feet balancing onto what I believe to be a sturdy structure.. SNAP!
I´ve had some mean falls in the past including the recent bridge fall in Argentina which saw the demise of my phone and a huge fall in Poland where I landed on the side of my face in a woodland area, but this really is about as close as I think I can come without fucking dying or at least being Schewmachered..and I didn´t even get a scratch!

Down I fell somehow landing on the back of my neck onto the only two foot squared spot beneath this bridge that doesn´t have massive rocks. Uggh.. What the..? Managed to smack my shin of a nice big boulder as my legs swung over my head – did I mention it was the back of my neck I landed on?-.

I scramble up the cliff minus my glasses and try again with the lock. It works first time.

What a night I rage to myself while marching (limping) to my bedroom only to find another fucking combination lock! This one swivels right around and so in complete darkness, even knowing what the number is is completely useless. Bollocks! And so I wait two and a half hours for someone to come and let me in and help would eventually arrive.. Arrive in the form of the girl who hours before just unknowingly destroyed my fragile, girly little heart!

She let me inside but she´s not staying. Her new boyfriend awaits her at the bottom of the stairs -something I´ve not fallen down yet..YET- and now after fetching my torch I have to pass them as they smooch and I make my way to find those fuckin glasses.

At least they´re not broken -my glasses-. Hell, a fuckin miracle I´m not broken and as I enter my bedroom once more I´m asked by my hot roomies for another of my now legendary bedtime stories, I break into a frantic rouse of “You want a fuckin story? I´ll tell you what just fuckin happened right now”!

My next bedtime story would be making up for that one.

Days later I would find out that the fence was indeed electric. I don´t recall getting electrocuted while holding on with hands and feet -circuit breaker or something like that-, but Sinéad – my lovable Irish roomie- got electrocuted by the hanging wire the next day after a dip in the river. Barefoot too..Fuckin awesome!

Kiss My Ass
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Crossing borders.. and lines.

Readers of a nervous disposition (and Mum) may want to read something else.

This post is certified N for Naughty.

Welcome to Bolivia.

Buzzin like a sex toy for I have a plan..

Five hours from Jujuy and at the boarder separating Argentina from Bolivia, I have finally decided on how I will spend the next two weeks and so without a second to waste I board my bus and set out on my latest adventure. Another fresh start, a new chapter in life, a clean page laid before. Without getting my passport stamped.

Now before I go any further let me just explain that in no way am I proud of my antics during these next sixteen hours, but after spending the last six days and nights travelling with a really hot Brazilian girl that just wasn´t giving out you can´t possibly begin to understand just how horny I feel right now especially seeing as the fact we always shared a room meant that I couldn`t just have a stretch one off forget about it.It´s a guy thing.. Maybe an Andy thing.

She was a young, hot student on her way home to La Paz after studying in Buenos Aires. We talked for hours about nothing in particular, her favorite subject being why I was single amongst other standard bullshit such as star signs and as we lay/sat cuddled together under the duvet she´d brought on board I couldn´t help but feel that red mist descend.

A friend of mine from Nottingham once told me of a date he´d had recently where he´d just been bold, took the chance and leaned in there for the kiss.. I waited until she slept.

Using the whole ‘cold enough to freeze the baws of a polar bear so we must snuggle’, I took my chance and stole a small kiss from her cheek then worked my way a little closer to her lips and closer until reaching her mouth where she moved ever so slightly away. Maybe she is actually sleeping, but I´m not convinced and so I begin the process again but with the same conclusion. She pulls me closer and tells me how cold it is. I fucking know how cold it is, but I´m trying to warm you up!

Her legs hitch up and catch my hand between her thighs.. Light bulb..

Using the vibrations from an incredibly bumpy, but not so uncomfortable journey giving my present situation, my hand starts to shimmy in time to the jolts and jiggles of the highway closer and closer.. How badly this could go wrong?.. closer, closer.. I wonder what Bolivian prison is like?..Closer, closer.. This is really stupid.. Closer..and now, with subtlety completely out the window I find she wears no underwear beneath those tight as Hell leggings. There’s not a thing I can´t feel. Oh, how things could go wrong. This could be the best move I´ve ever made or it could be the beginning of the end. It all comes down to her reaction right now..


Nope, nothing. Maybe she is sleeping after all which makes me a very, very bad man.

After some time, like a good four minutes she removes my hand, draws me in even closer and whispers.. ¨No¨.. Fuck!

Recipes for disaster

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